All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
