She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My cat gives me a boner
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
