Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
