i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
