Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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