New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
