if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
