That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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