She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
