We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I have fence marks all over my body
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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