My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Drake has all the answers
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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