threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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