You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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