This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
