i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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