my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
sarcasm needs its own font
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
