he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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