we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
