I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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