and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
