my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
