Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
