There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
