Whatcha textin bout Willis?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
