I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
this is an emotional support booty call
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
