i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
