i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
