i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
what day is it and did you see me today?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
