Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
