i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
someone owes me an orgasm
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
