Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
