remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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