So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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