new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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