i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
