Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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