just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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