Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
