Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
