i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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