he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
