Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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