i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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