if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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