Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
