At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My boob is missing a layer of skin
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
