I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
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We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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