Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
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I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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