i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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