apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
