Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
