he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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