You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Bring me that man meat
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
