the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
