did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think people are normalizing furries
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
