A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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